The Hook Up


The Company We Keep

Posted March 11th by Corwin Brown in Entertainment

You probably haven’t heard of the band The Company We Keep. They’ve only been around for a few months, have one song online to stream, and played their third show ever tonight at the Blue Moose Tap House. And it was awesome. Before the show I sat down with Brian Southall, the brain behind the music.

First of all, let me just say that Brian is one of the coolest human beings I have ever met. Seriously.

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It’ was pretty loud in The Blue Moose when the band finished sound check. Doors had officially opened and people were coming in to see the bands performing in The Blue Room. “We might be really bad, who knows,” Brian warns, saying this is only the second show they’ve done electric, opting to play acoustic at their second performance in Minneapolis.

“The first show went very well,” he said. “Obviously, it takes a while for a bunch of people who have never played together to kind of figure out how they do things.”
Southall said the band hasn’t had time to develop any pre-show rituals. “The first place was a similar place to this, it was a small bar” he said, describing the venues they’ve played. “It’s kind of just frantically setting up and hoping that we remember how to play all the songs that we just learned how to play.”

They band may have just learned these songs, but Southall has been working on this project for a long time. “It started as something I was doing by myself,” he explained. The Company We Keep was originally a solo project that Southall was working on, but when Motion City Soundtrack  vocalist Justin Pierre heard the compositions, he became involved.

When Brian and Justin started turning the compositions “into real songs,” they figured they needed a drummer. That’s where Misery Signals drummer Branden Morgan comes into play. “He’s someone I’ve always wanted to play with,” Southall said, and praised Morgan’s skills on the set.

It took two years after  the start of the band to find a singer, but after being introduced to rookie Amy Brennan a few months before recording, and knew he had found the voice he needed.


Like Pierre and Morgan, Southall is part of another band, The Receiving End of Sirens. Southall is excited to work on The Company We Keep, though, because it allows him more freedom. “It’s the first time in five or six years where I am the only songwriter.”
You can listen to their single Right/Wrong on alternativepress.com
Images from: wearethecompanywekeep.com


How to be a drunk bitch

Posted March 5th by Corwin Brown in Last Call, Off The Wall

As I type this, I am coming down from one of the more ridiculous nights I’ve had in Iowa City. After I woke this morning, (and by “woke” I mean got off the fouton I had been laying awake on for hours) I started reading through my slough of drunk texts. I realized that I had become the thing I hated most: a drunk bitch.

Now, a drunk bitch, in my personal view, is not just a bitch (or girl, for those who use the word in that manner) who drank too much. No, being drunk and a bitch does not constitute the level of contempt with which I say the term; you have to go so (“o” times ten) much farther than that.

What I’m about to provide you with is a list of things that one can do to become a drunk bitch.

How to be a drunk bitch:

Step one: drink. A lot.

The process of this is to not just drink, but mix liquors. And then chase with beer. Also, this stage is not complete unless you count out how much you’ve drank (in shot or can count) and yell at least twice “fuck you, I’m drunk.”

Step two: knock something over.

Going to the bars? That semi-cute guy’s mostly-full drink is a perfect choice! As you do what you’re sure to believe is the single most sexy dance to ever be dance, whip a hip, leg, chunk of hairspray hardened hair, what have you at his hand and spill his Captain and Coke everywhere. If you’re at a house party, just fall on the beer pong table. That’s the best way to get the job done.

Step three: confess your love.

I like to scream my undying love out to gay males and girls with long blond hair (Jane, if you read this, I apologize for the seven million times I called your hair georgeous. It’s beautiful, though). It doesn’t really
matter who you yell at, just so long as it’s someone you would never confess your undying love for. Don’t say “I love you” to that cute boy you’ve seen at a couple parties and really want to talk to, scream “I fucking love you” to a person you’ve never met before and just bonded with over, like, I don’t know, something superficial and stupid. Like Glee.

Step four: ralph.

Puking will be good enough, but I challenge you to take it one step farther. TALK ABOUT IT! Don’t just puke, but do it, and then run screaming to all of your friends that you just spewed in the bathroom at the bar, but that it’s all good. And definitely don’t call it a night afterwards.

Step five: text.

This is possibly the most important thing to keep in mind. Because your ex DEFINITELY wants to hear about the guys you’re talking to (in a purely platonic fashion, but don’t let him know that) in a text that he has to get two friends to help him translate from drunk English into real English.

So we’re all clear, guys can be drunk bitches, too. It’s not only a girl thing. But their list differs in a few ways that I have little personal insight on.

If you have examples, pictures, or additions to this list, send them to us on Twitter (@thehookupic) or like us on Facebook.

Also, mom and dad, if you’re reading this, it’s extrapolation. I don’t drink.

Featured image from:linonsdenu.com 


Inevitability at its finest

Posted March 4th by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

In this election it seems the longer the race goes, the more we learn about the candidates. Separation of church and state makes Santorum physically ill, Ron Paul is actually a lot more crazy than originally suspected, Newt Gingrich…well…and Mitt Romney has no sympathy for the working class.

Yes, I know Romney has no compassion for blue collar Americans. His inability to communicate with the plebeians of American society has been a hindrance to the presidential hopeful since 2008, when he tried to be a president the first time. But unlike his voting record, Mitt Romney’s tendency to stick his foot — as well as the foot of one of his many billionaire buddies — so far down his throat it threatens the claim that he is full of crap, are not being challenged in the least. This time he took his foot-in-mouth speech to his homeland of Michigan. A prime example of how Romney is so disassociated from the people of America was evidenced when he gave a speech in Detroit to a crowd of auto-workers.

Romney was already in a bad position. He had opposed the bailout and criticized Obama for giving money to the auto-industry, saying “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” (in a ridiculously self-serving op-ed in which he touted his father’s accomplishments). But he loves American cars. He loves them so much, in fact, that he drives a Ford and a Chevy, and his wife — who does not work — drives “a couple of Cadillacs.” He said that. To Detroit. The city he wanted the government to abandon.

What’s most sad about this isn’t that, in 2008 and since, the Republicans have been yelling about how Obama is an “elitist;” a Yale graduate whose socialist policies and complete lack of good ole Ahmurican values leave him disavowed from the general populace. (Because they have…that was the big one before the “birther” movement.) What’s most sad is that this person is probably going to be the challenger to current President Obama after The Convention. It will be of the greatest disappointment to see Romney debate against Obama, rather than the farcical mess of ingrates he now faces.

Some may say it’s too early to tell. Santorum is giving him a run for his money. And people hate him so much that professionals who do what I’m doing right now, but for an actual paid living, think that if he is the most likely candidate at Convention time, the Republican party will literally beg Jeb Bush or Chris Christie to take the nod. But that party actually discarding the elected delegates is unlikely. Even more unlikely than a candidate —who says that a JFK speech makes him throw up — who is winning swing states.

The other candidates have basically accepted this, as well. You don’t hear too much about Paul and Gingrich now. I could speculate as to why, but let’s just be honest with ourselves: neither ever had a snowball’s chance in hell anyway. The real tell that Romney is the inevitable nominee is that during the Michigan primary, Santorum’s campaign issued a robocall asking Democrats and Independents to go to polling stations to vote for Rick. Seriously. It was essentially “Hello, Democrats. I hear you’re voting for Obama. I probably can’t sway you to my side, considering I’ve said you’re all going to hell. Knowing that, I ask you to vote for me now. Whhhhyyyyyyy, you ask? Because who would you rather face Obama in November? Someone who might be able to beat him, or my woman-hating ass?”

You might think I’m kidding…but I’m not. I’m sure the message was not said in those words, but that was the general intent. If you’ve never heard of cross-party robocalling  before, CNN did a breakdown of the process, motives, consequences and legality of it. Or, you could watch The Ides of March, because is it much more entertaining and factually correct than any 24-hour news network.

The gist of this is, there’s very little that can be done, except maybe nominating Susan Eisenhower. Except she left the party because Sarah Palin was the beginning of the end.

Sigh.

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Featured image from: facebook.com/anti-republicanobstructionism (page)

image from: oneway2day.wordpress.com


One of the popular kids…again

Posted February 16th by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

A few weeks ago I asked my parents if all elections they’ve participated in were this lack-luster (pronounced “really freaking ridiculous”), or it was just this joke of season. They replied all elections are a let down, but this one takes the cake (and Newt probably ate it).

Few people seem to be excited about the upcoming presidential election, even though for many, including myself, it is the first oppurtunity they’ll have to participate in choosing a president. This could be because of what the older generations say about our age group: we’re univolved, apathetic, don’t pay attention, blah blah back in my day blah. I disagree, though.

I think a better explaination for the general “eh” attitude of people towards this election is because the candidates are more boring than Disney Channel shows post-Even Stevens.

I recently interviewed five University students about the campaign, and when each was asked who they would vote for, they each answered immediately “Barack Obama.”
This has a lot to do with the fact that the economy and job market are improving. Obama is now at 50% approval, the highest it’s been in the last year and a half, with the exception of when Bin Laden got in the way of American bullets.nts about the campaign. When asked who they would be voting for, each answered “Obama” with little enthusiasm. This seems to be the sentiment of the whole country. And an article in yesterday’s New York Times described how Obama’s polling is going up.

This might also have to do with the looming election. And when voters look at the potential field they see, on one side, Barack Obama, a predictible and effecient, albeit unaffective incumbent, or on the other side…them.

My super power involves by-products!

I say them because, try as the Republicans might, they just can’t seem to be able to whip out a candidate who can stand up to Obama. Romney basically is Obama, only white, more detached (cough cough arrogant and impersonable), and a diffent M-word religion that will probably get him yelled at by some uneducated bigot. Santorum appeals to the sect of voters that fill in the ballot bubbles based soley on how much a campaign speech quotes the Bible. Newt Gingrich is, as Jon Stewart says “The can of La Choy baby corn sitting in the back of your pantry…You don’t know how long it’s been there. You can’t remember buying it, but you can’t remember being without it. And now you have no choice but to elect it president” (also, moon base).Then there’s Ron Paul, who I, personally, feel is so close, but shouting about getting rid of government issued student loans/scholarships, the federal reserve, and leaving Israel on it’s own really isn’t going to get you the vote.

So voters see these people. They see their ineffectualities, their problems, their lack of understanding of, like, the world. And many then decide “at least I know what to expect with Obama.” So they’ll vote for him.

As of now, if the presidential election was a horse race, I would put my money on Obama as the prize-winning stallion, and Oh God  (pictured below as) his jockey.

featured image from: knowyourmeme.com
image from: icanhascheezburger.com


The politics and the facts

Posted February 8th by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

The election process is in full swing at this point, and it’s fair to say that I pay attention. I have found one of the best tools to sort the political pandering from the honest truth. And I’m feeling nice today, so I’m going to share it with you.

Politifact.com may be the greatest websites known to the internet (with the exception of the UI Memes page). It’s a political fact checking website started by the Tampa Bay Times that takes statements made by politicians, newscasters, and pundits and tells you if they are true or not.

The reason why Politifact is such quality site is that it allows the readers to see if an assertion made by fact-givers is true or complete crap. It’ll rate everything from whether or not Mitt Romney actually drove to Canada with a dog strapped to the roof of the car, to the popular assertion that only 10% of Barack Obama’s cabinet has private sector experience.

Now that it’s campaign season and everyone is touting their accomplishments and flinging dung about the other candidates, it’s important now, more than ever, that statements are verified before being accepted as gospel.

Politifact rates statements on a six-level basis: true, mostly true, half true, mostly false, false-my absolute favorite-and pants on fire. These are fairly straight forward. True means that the statement is a true one, half true means it’s mostly right, but has some flaws, and Pants on fire means the statement is so ridiculous it’s farcical.

What I’m going to do is show you the current candidate’s scores, and compare their percentage of true and false statements. (I’m going to give the candidates a break and count “half true” on the “true” side of the scale, because politics needs more optimism.)

Barack Obama:

True: 244

False:98

Percentage: 71% True, 29% False

Ratio: 2.5 truths to ever falsity

 

 

Mitt Romney:

True: 70

False: 33

Percentage: 68% True, 32% False

Ratio: 2.1 truths to every falsity

 

 

Rick Santorum:

True: 12

False: 12

Percentage: Split 50%-50%

Ratio: One truth for every falsity

 

 

Newt Gingrich:

True: 21

False: 32

Percentage: 40% True, 60% False

Ratio: 1.5 falsities for every truth

 

Ron Paul

True: 20

False: 12

Percentage: 63% True, 37% False

Ratio: 1.7 truths for every falsity.

 

If we rank them from least full-of-shit to most, we have: 1. Barack Obama, 2. Mitt Romney, 3. Ron Paul, 4. Rick Santorum, and dead last 5. Newt Gingrich.

Now, it must be noted that, clearly, not every statement each candidate makes has been rated. But this does give you a quick introduction of how truthful a candidate is when making statements.

If this isn’t enough information for you-and even if it is-I encourage you to go to Politifact.com and check out the website’s ratings in more depth.

If you find any stories you like, Tweet them at @TheHookupIC with the hashtag #Politifact.

Featured image from: www.inquisitr.com

All other images from: politifact.com

 

 


Memes, memes everywhere!

Posted February 8th by Corwin Brown in Off The Wall

By Corwin Brown and Zach Champion

 

If you were blisfully unaware of memes, Facebook is about to destroy that for you.

If you’ve ever been on Reddit, Memebase, Imgur, Tumblr, 4Chan (oh God…), 9Gag, or a multitude of other (lesser) websites, you’ve seen memes. Specifically the Advice Animals. Even if you take few forays outside the Facebook/Twitter-sphere, you have probably wondered why one friend posted a picture of a velociraptor pondering to the wall of another friend. Well, my sweet, innocent angel-face, you’re about to find out!

Success Kid is successful.

Welcome to the wonderful world of memes, brought to you by the University of Iowa Memes. A wonderful concept that will probably be bastardized into the ground in a few weeks, memes are the internet’s main reason why people shout at their computers: “Oh my God, that’s me!”

Now, these memes are specialized for your University of Iowa specific pleasure. From Insanity Wolf to Sudden Clarity Clarence, every iconic web character has had its chance to chime in on the issues that matter to Hawkeyes. The page has seen sharp-witted commentary on Burge’s “cuisine,” downtown Iowa City’s penchant for vomit and citations, social incompetence of freshmen, and every lecture’s dreaded scumbag with a loud phone.

Some meme aficionados have taken to innovation. Scumbag Sally Mason now has her own template, so Iowa’s fearless leader can finally lay claim to Internet significance (negative presence still counts).

Even those (very, very few) who couldn’t give half a shit about memes, though, will have no choice in the matter. They’re already involved. Within two hours of the page’s creation, it skyrocketed to nearly 2000 likes and over 200 photos. For a U of I student, it became impossible to differentiate between the page’s Wall and their own newsfeed. The sharing, liking, posting, and commenting had run rampant.

It’s not often that such a phenomenon takes off running with such fury and so little impetus. All it took was a little Facebook post from sophomore journalism student, Matt Starns, and a page recommendation for the madness to ignite. Students are now meme-ing like they’ve never memed before, and the internet can rest satisfied for the evening.

And wake up for ALL THE Skryim!

Unfortunately, the bloated, pun-laden entity that is the meme realm is always doomed to develop indigestion once a new frontier is braved. This page, like all other meme headquarters, will have to suffer through countless posts that are simply doing it wrong (as the internet would say). Its golden era may very well decay by the end of the week, at which point it will be bogged down with dozens of posters trying too hard to be funny and relatable. The art of a quick pun is an elusive one.

In the meantime, enjoy the newest cyber addiction. It’s bound to pull you and all your peers away from anything productive for a good several hours if you keep your guard down. Next stop, Reddit!


What will be watched in 2012

Posted February 2nd by Corwin Brown in Entertainment

2011 was a weird year for movies. X-Men: First Class made up for the ginormous fail that was Origins. In a hail storm of Marvel movies, DC decided to say “Look over here at Ryan Reynolds’ abs!” in The Green Lantern. Michael Bay assailed the senses with yet another Transforms film, this time with a different open-mouth female hottie who seemed to serve no purpose other than being an open-mouthed female hottie. And Zac Snyder made his first (generally agreed upon) bad movie, Sucker Punch.

These films were juxtaposed against some critically and publically acclaimed ringers. This list includes: The Artist, a film staring John Goodman and some French people that gave The Academy some sort of Hollywood hipster boner; Drive, which is Ryan Gosling being sexy and serious; Hugo, which is Scorsese…so yeah, and (my personal favorite); The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, which took “what-the-actual-fuck” to the next level while making you wonder how they made adorable Rooney Mara look like that.

2012 is looking like it will be an even greater cinematic assault. Sadly, I don’t have the time or space to go through all the movies coming out this year–I don’t even have enough time or space to go through all the ones I personally want to see–so I’m going to make this list concise.

Here it is, the list of the 5 most anticipated films yet to be released this year:

1. The Hunger Games

What it is:

The adaptation of the popular young-adult novel series. The first installment of the international best-seller stars Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, and Elizabeth Banks; the film is set to be released March 23.

Why You Should Care:

Whether you like the books, hate the books, or despise the books because they basically are Battle Royale, the number of people freaking the fuck out about these movies is sure to make some sort of impact on your life. Just as the filming of other best-sellers like Harry Potter, Twilight, or Lord of the Rings made people freak the fuck out. Also it’s going to make someone a lot of money, which means advertisements everywhere.

2. Men in Black 3

What it is:

A return to your childhood and Will Smith being a badass.

It comes out May 25th.

Why You Should Care:

It’s MORE Men in Black.

3. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2

What it is:

The end of an error a series long held in the hearts of many a teenaged girl. In this last installment in the insanely popular series, we get to see Bella and Edward’s mutant child, watch Jacob fall in love with the child, and be subjected a myriad of other #vampireprobs. It will open to a midnight premier (I’m sure) on November 16th.

Why You Should Care:

You know you do. Whether it’s because you love the series, hate the series, or hate hearing about how much people hate a movie franchise that doesn’t impact their lives, late October and early November are sure to be a Twilight-filled cornicopia of promotion and excited estrogen.

4. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

What it is:

When Peter Jackson made The Lord of the Rings series into the first successful cinematic adaption of the ever-beloved books in the early 2000s, it made Harvey Weinstein a shit ton of money. It made a lot a lot of people a shit ton of money. And where there’s money to be made, films will be made. So que the Lord of the Rings predacessor, The Hobbit, in theatres December.

Why You Should Care:

Because the same people who brought you The Lord of the Rings are bringing you The Hobbit. Sir Ian McKellan is reprising his role as Gandalf, and it’s going to be totally bad ass. Seriously.

 5. The Dark Knight Rises

What it is:

So Christopher Nolan took superhero movies to a new level in The Dark Knight, and he’s following it up with the last installment of the Christian Bale fronted series, set to premier July 20th.

Why You Should Care:

Because it is the last movie in the series. And this time instead of seeing Heath Ledger being amazing you get to see Anne Hathaway (speaking of eliciting boners) as Catwoman. It’ll be hot.

Images from: imdb.com

 


Bills, bills, bills

Posted January 31st by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

Only this time it’s not a catchy Destiny’s Child song. No, it’s congress, and as School House Rock taught me, a bill is what precedes a law. And many of them seem to be going through congress as of late. Well, not all that many more than usual, but more that are relevant to the interest of the websites I visit (Reddit).

The most prominent is SOPA: The Stop Online Piracy Act. I’ll assume two things: one is that you know of SOPA, and two is that if you don’t, you live under a rock. A large and wifi-free rock. Partially due to the efforts of websites like Google, Wikipedia, and Reddit, and partially due to the bill being a piece of shit, SOPA was dismissed from the House shortly after a massive Internet blackout and representative contact campaign held earlier this month.

But it seems that when it comes to legislation about the interwebs, the internet is Hercules and bills are the Hydra (if you don’t get that reference, you need to brush up on your Disney films or, like, the Roman myth it was based on).

So SOPA is down. Awesome. Are you ready to fight another round, champ, ’cause it’s not done yet. How about PIPA? The Protect Intellectual Properties Act is the sister to SOPA running amok in the Senate. Harry Reid, thankfully, put a hold on the voting of this bill, which would allow censorship of the Internet in the same regards that SOPA would have. Although, in light of the massive reaction to the aforementioned blackouts, voting was postponed, the bill is still there, hanging out in the senate, threatening intellectual properties far more than it would protect them.

Oh, and then we have ACTA, the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement. This one’s fun because it’s not an American bill. It’s an international treaty. The intention of this agreement is to stop international online piracy by creating a new governing agency, which would function something like the World Trade Organization or United Nations. The shitty part of this is that means that American properties and Internet freedoms are subject to an outside source un-beholden to our Constitution. What’s even worse than that is that the agreement can be ratified through executive agreement, so it won’t even fall to a the small amount of representation the common citizen gets when their elected official chooses to ignore their beliefs.

Oh, and people can look through your electronics at boarder crossings in search of piracy.

I'm sorry if using this image is piracy, but say hi to Johnny Depp.

"We're still here, matey."

Congress people are trying to win dirty with this next one. Protect Children from Online Pornographers. Well, who doesn’t want to do that? No one really want’s a nine-year-old searching My Little Pony pictures to accidentaly find some Jenna Jamison artistry. And we definately don’t want children to be the Jenna Jamisons in the artistry. But if you actually read what this bill proposes, you’ll see what the name of it is really doing: pandering. What this bill actually does is track the fuck out of Iinternet users. The basic principle of this bill is “stalk first, ask questions later.” It’s an information blitz that “would treat every Internet user like a criminal and threaten the online privacy and free speech rights of every American,” says the magazine The Atlantic.

The big thing with this specific bill is that, if passed, the only thing the government need do in order to get access to your Internet history is ask for it. Oh, and hey, you don’t even need to be under suspicion of child pornography, just under suspicion for any crime. And the police don’t need probable cause.

And these are just the beginning. There is, and will be no shortage of bills attempting to, intentionally or not, limit the freedoms of the Internet. The saddest part is that the people who write and support these bills often know nothing of how the Internet functions. Which sucks, cause that’s what’s being affected. And do you know what’s worse? When asked why they don’t know about the Internet, a good deal of the legislators declare it’s because they are not nerds. Really. Watch Jon Stewart’s compilation of legislators insulting anyone who has a basic knowledge of the Internet.

So basically, at this point you should be mad.

And if you’re really mad, you can contact the appropriate representative and tell him that you are a constituent, have voted for him, and would appreciate if he would vote against these legislations if given the chance. I did. I got a lovely email back from Loebsack.

I’ll even make it easy for you. Here are the contact forms for Dave Loebsack, Tom Harkin, and Chuck Grassley.

So go. Email, Tweet, Facebook, Tumblr, Reddit, yell, cry, threaten people with calls from your mother. Whatever you want to do to.

Image from: theredphoenixapl.org and deadliestfiction.wikia.com


She turned me into a Newt!

Posted January 27th by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

…But it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get better.

He won the South Carolina primary with FOURTY PERCENT!  beating out Herman Cain-pictured here-and other runners Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.  This is the second time that Newt Gingrich has surged in popularity, first taking the lead in the near-comedic Republican races in early December.

Some people may say that the reason for his success in the primary last weekend was due to his add campaign, supported by super pac Winning Our Future. This writer thinks it’s because of the deeply held Republican values that the former Speaker shares with the GOP voters in Carolina, South. Values like the sanctity of marriage, keeping strong within his party, the sinister nature of coroporate influence, and stands on ethical high ground.

Well…Not really.

You see, Ginigrich likes to preach about the “Sanctity of Marriage” act. He likes it, going back to his evangelical past. That’s the party belief, so it makes sense that he’ll take that stand. What doesn’t make sense is that he clearly doesn’t believe that the “sanctity of marriage” of a straight couple can be thrown into question. Want to divorce your wife? That’s ok according to Gingrich. Want to cheat on her before you divorce her? Still good. Cheat on her while she’s in the hospital with cancer? Surely Gingrich draws the line there. Wait. He did that? Seriously? Ok, that doesn’t really make sense.

But he surely wants the Grand Old Party to stay strong and united in their fight against Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan Obama. Oh, right, he did a commercial a couple years ago with then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi about bridging party lines and trying to fix climate change (a generally blue ideal).

Well, no one would accuse Gingrich of being too eager to appease corporati-

Sorry, I can’t even contiue with that paragraph, it’s too comical.

But Ethical high ground! He messed this one up, too. This is the best: he was removed as Speaker of the House by his own party for breaking ethics codes.

So, it seems that even though his own party didn’t like him the last time he was in office, they’re willing to give him another try. Republicans are willing to vote for him even though his record says that you can’t trust him as far as you can throw him. If you put him on a scale, he will weigh the same as a duck.

 

Image from Streetsblog.org


Wonderful, farcical Stephen Colbert

Posted January 18th by Corwin Brown in Stuff That Matters

He’s considering running for president, you know.

In South Carolina, his home state. Where he has been, for one or two weeks, leading Jon Huntsman in the polls. That, of course, has changed. Jon Huntsman has quit the race, and if you ask Colbert, it’s because of the comedian’s contemplation that the long-standing, low-polling candidate has dropped out. Which is definitely correct. There is no way that it’s because he had less of a chance of winning than Donald Trump. Who may still run (oh God, please, let this happen) as an independent.

Stephen Colbert ran into a fairly large issue, though. The state he is running in, South Carolina, stopped taking applications to appear on the ballot over two months ago, and does not allow write ins (a wholly undemocratic process-I reserve the right to vote for Mickey Mouse, even, and especially if he can’t be president). But if you know Stephen Colbert, and you should, he won’t let this stop him. Colbert’s plan involves taking advantage of the system: the same rules that keep him from getting on the ballot in the South Carolina primary also keep Herman Cain from getting off the ballot.

You can guess where this is going: if you reside in South Carolina, then a vote for Herman Cain is a vote for  Stephen Colbert.

Whether serious or not about running for President of the United States of South Carolina, as Colbert calls his possible campaign, you can’t deny that these events are playing out rather like those of the Robbin Williams film Man of the Year, but with significantly less Laura Linny.

The plot of this movie, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is Robbin Williams is a satirical comedian-rather like Colbert or his counterpart Jon Stewart-has someone suggest that if he is so unhappy with the political process, he should run for president himself. Which he does. The results of the election are…

SPOILER ALERT

quite interesting. Because of a malfunction in the polling machines, peoples votes are counted incorrectly. Instead of people choices being counted, whoever is alphabetically first get’s the vote. So, Tom Dobbs (Robbin Williams) out-votes Kellogg and Mills, his opponents, who are apparently cereal.

So all Stephen Colbert needs is a wonky voting machine and an opponent whose last name does not begin with an “A” or “B.” Let’s see…Bachmann, Cain, and Huntsman are out, which leaves Gingrich, Perry, Paul, Romney, Santorum. If my spelling is correct-which it sometimes is-that leaves Colbert in the lead!

So if you want to learn more about Stephen Colbert and how he plans to take South Carolina, whatch the video below or go to ColbertNation.com.

 

 

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word – Raise Cain
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

 


4 common misconceptions about the University of Iowa

Posted November 14th by Corwin Brown in Off The Wall

There are many myths and facts about the University of Iowa, Iowa City, and the students who inhabit the area. Some are true: One-Eyed Jake’s offers 21 pitchers of beer for $21 on your 21st birthday (X); the University’s student newspaper isn’t called The Hawkeye because a random newspaper in Burlington, Iowa took the name before the University could; and, there are in fact not ONE but TWO Herky the Hawks. But sadly, there are some very common misconceptions about the campus that should be corrected.

4. Iowa City is the first capital of Iowa.

It was actually Burlington, Iowa. But only technically, if you consider that Iowa was a territory of Wisconsin at the time and not a state. Also, the only a marker in a church exists of what was once a capitol building, and not a prestigious hall with a gold-plated dome resting a top a hill that is clear of all things except other buildings for higher education and Cambus stops.

3. Ashton Kutcher graduated Iowa.

Close, but no proverbial cigar. He did attend the prestigious university, planning on majoring in biochemical engineering-we would have missed that face behind lab goggles-but dropped out after being picked up at The Airliner for modeling, and subsequently moving to New York. (Yet another reason to attend The Hookup Party Part Deux at The Airliner; you might be so gorgeous you can drop out of school.)

2. More the 50% of attending students are from the Chicagoland area.

Lies! Slander and lies, I tell you. First of all, to assume that the majority population of a state school is, in fact, not from the same state is just plain silly. According to the University’s About Iowa page, 58% of students are from Iowa, and 25% are from ALL of the adjoining states. Just so you know, the adjoining states to Iowa include, yes, Illinois, but also Wisconsin, Minnisota, South Dakota, Nebraska, and Missouri.

1. Iowa is JUST a party school.

Now, the key word in that sentence is “just.” There are few who would deny that Iowa is a party school, and certainly not the Princeton Review. But the thing is, Iowa is so much more. I’m about to rain some cold, hard facts on this article.

Firstly, we’re in Iowa City, a capital of culture. UNESCO’s third City of Literature in the world, which is evident when you walk down Iowa Ave. and see the quotes from many of Iowa’s greatest writers. Iowa City is advocate.com ‘s third gayest city in the United States. Now, even if you’re not gay, think of all the culture! Speaking of culture, have you noticed the music that this University brings in? If not, you should read more articles by Zach Bingham. If that doesn’t satisfy you that Iowa City is one of the greatest cultural landmarks in the Midwest, perhaps you should check out more events like the Mission Creek Music and Arts Festival.

Secondly, check out our academics. I could go on and on about our amazing writing workshop, the astounding liberal arts program we have, the Tippie College of business, our rigorous nursing program, our top-notch journalism program, or basically any of the other programs  we excel at, but just to it yourself and the U of Iowa Fact Book.

Lastly, the extra-curricular fun. The Big Ten is the only collegiate sports division that, before Nebraska came in and fucked it up, had all of its schools included in the Association of American Universities. As part of the Big Ten, the University of Iowa is part of a the oldest Division 1 sports conference in the nation. For example, let’s look at the football games. Have you been to one? Although drinking is a heavy part of before, during, and after the game, not all 70,585 are trashed at the games. It’s about supporting the team, cheering for the Hawkeyes, and maybe seeing some guys in skin-tight pants beat the shit out of each other.

 

Featured image from www.universitywallpaper.com


How to know she’s too drunk for you

Posted November 3rd by Corwin Brown in Last Call

So you want to hook up (pun completely intended), and you meet a girl at a party that you like. You’re talking to her and you want to take her home and appreciate the shit out of her conversation. But let’s be honest, after a night of partying, sometimes the girl isn’t good to be appreciated. Here is a short guide on how to tell when she’s too drunk.

 

She’s falling.

She introduces herself more than once.

She’s looking at you, but really she’s looking behind you.

Her Band-o has become a waist-o.

Her tongue is out of her mouth. A lot.

Repeats.

She’s puking.

You can see her “Brittany”

She keeps saying “I just want to dance!” (Especially if there’s no music.)

She clearly can’t see.

Her texts consist of more numbers than there plausibly should be.

Her shoes are off.

Her makeup is running.

Professing her love for anyone.

She says she’s not drunk.

When she tries to kiss your mouth, she licks your eye.

And

She does anything you’ve seen on Jersey Shore ever, especially quoting.