Pickin’ up girls like a champ

So Iowa City is full of a lot of scum bags, all girls know this. But when you stand outside of Summit in -19 degree weather wearing a skirt that you don’t even need to lift to take a piss and a shirt that is made for an A cup but currently is holding some D’s, what do you expect? You are basically giving an invite for guys to come up to you, talk about how cool they are, how fast their car goes, pretend to care about what your major is and what you want to do with your life (stop saying pre-med nobody believes you or your hair extensions), all the while they are instead staring at your D’s thinking about what shot he can get you that will get you drunk for the least amount of money and when the best time to drop the roofie is (this is extreme and frowned upon if any guy does this… he deserves to get his ass kicked), hoping that his guy friends are watching so he can drop the line “bro did you see that hardbody I was talking to? She wanted it.”

What I don’t understand is, why haven’t guys realized that “hitting on girls” does not work? If you go in with the intent of hitting on girls, then you are creepy before you even leave your apartment. Holster that roofie Ted Bundy, just be yourself and talk to girls (except not you Ted Bundy, being yourself consists of raping and murdering innocent women.) However just in case you want to try to be “the man,” here are some classy techniques for flirting with girls at the bar.

(SOME OF THE BELOW DO NOT WORK AND SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED. I shouldn’t have to say which ones.

1. The Bait N’ Switch: Approach a group of girls. Ideally 3-5 of them. First thing that you do is address the entire group. (As soon as you pick out one of them and ignore the rest you begin to look creepy and you might as well be dressed in a clown suit standing aside a rickety old van with a sign on the side that says “Free Puppies,” all the while holding a dildo in one hand and the Plan B pill in the other.) Slowly you focus your attention on one girl and one girl in particular (look out ladies this one is going to sting). Now, that girl you choose is chosen for a purpose. She is what my friend Anthony Carlsen calls the D.U.F.F. The Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Every group of girls has one. This girl’s purpose is two-fold. 1. She makes every other girl feel better about themselves. 2. She makes every other girl look better when standing around her. Her name is usually Gert or Beatrice. (Now ladies, if currently you are saying “wow, this kid is a real dick… think about you’re group of friends and tell me that I am wrong…). Now, spend about 10-12 minutes talking directly to the D.U.F.F. (if the head hottie of the group begins to walk away, engage her just slightly.) Out of the corner of your eye you will see the head hottie do a very signature move. She will pull out her phone, throw one hip to the side, and start Facebooking. The chips that resides on her right shoulder will be weighing her down. This girl is probably bitchy, and will be all pissed off that Gert is getting all of the attention. She knows that she is #1 in this group but for once in her life she isn’t getting all the attention. When you see her do the “I’m hotter than Gert phone move,” immediately cut all ties with the D.U.F.F. begin to only focus on the #1. No matter what you look like or what you say… she is yours. She’ll be so vulnerable that even the creep old townie who always hits on the bartenders will be able to take her home. Now all you have to do is find an excuse to make her leave in the morning- trying saying that you are a practicing Catholic and you have to go to church. (WARNING: THE ABOVE TECHNIQUE HAS ONLY WORKED OUT OF COINCIDENCE, THIS HAS NOT BEEN TESTED ENOUGH TO BE A PROVEN FACT.)
2. The John Travolta: This one is simple and innocent and is not the move of a scum bag. Dance like Travolta did in Grease and that other stupid dancing movie he was in. Do dumbass dance moves (stanky leg, Single Ladies, anything that involves seizuring on the dance floor) Your personality MAY shine through and draw attention. Worst comes to worse you just look like an idiot who repulses women.
3. The Cheesy Line: Make sure that they know you are kidding when you use anything along the lines of… “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven.” My favorite is, “Adam and Eve didn’t wear clothes… why do we have to?” Or “Are you pregnant? Good me neither.”
4. The Baby-Talk: Say your name + “y” at the end, followed by the prase “likey.” For example, “Matty likey.” For best results say while simultaneously drooling and crossing your eyes.

If anybody tries these and ends up successful, congratulations. Instead, how about you grow a sack, walk up to a girl, and attempt a normal conversation so that she doesn’t feel like she needs to pop a Plan B and throw in Nuva Ring just so that she doesn’t get anything while talking to you. Don’t use the phrase, “you wanna get outa here?” and don’t get greedy and ask her to bring a friend- the special at the bar is 1$ Drafts not 2-1 blondes. Good Luck and God Speed.

P.S. Please don’t do what Scottie did and get a really attractive girls number then drunkenly call her 13 times that same night. None of which get answered. RIP Scottie’s integrity.

image from diylol.com